We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
