I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
