This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
