apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
