I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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