Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
