my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
