I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
