Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
