My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
