What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
