How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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