I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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