Only a mothe r could love this liver
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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