I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
