It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
