I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
