Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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