So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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