How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize