I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize