PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
