I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
