this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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