if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
high people should be assigned attendants
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
How does one acquire holy water?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
