My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
