Non-Jews are for practice
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
