man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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