please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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