i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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