i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
