im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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