It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
