i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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