i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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