I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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