Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
