I feel like I'm in dance class right now
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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