She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My feet surprised me
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