So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
