Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
