Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
