if i can run in heels then i can drive
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
