I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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