And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
