my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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