Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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