why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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