We're like a lot better than the average bears
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
