I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
