Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
