I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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