i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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