I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
