Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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