my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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