Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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