Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize