I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize