sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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