WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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