I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my being single is dangerous.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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