p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i out mim tonsoeep
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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