He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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