Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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