my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
