I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
