I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize