I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
