So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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