She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
