Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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